Tableside Talks: Sara Abernethy of Wye Hill Hospitality

Sara Abernethy is CEO of Wye Hill Hospitality and operates Raleigh + Durham-based Wye Hill Kitchen & Brewing, Glasshouse Kitchen, and Xolo at Twisted Ladder with her husband. 

In 2017, Sara returned to her hometown of Raleigh, NC, where she leveraged her vision, tenacity, and grit to elevate one of the city’s landmark restaurant spaces into Wye Hill Kitchen & Brewing, a gastropub and craft brewery now affectionately known as “Raleigh’s Front Porch.”  Despite industry-wide challenges and the Covid-19 pandemic, Sara’s leadership guided Wye Hill forward, establishing it as a local favorite and a dining destination. 

Ever intrigued by opportunities to create destination dining experiences, Sara expanded the restaurant group into the emerging Research Triangle region, opening Glasshouse Kitchen in 2022 and Twisted Ladder in 2023. Glasshouse Kitchen, offering upscale eclectic fare, boasts a stunning dining space and has quickly become a mainstay for the Durham and Research Triangle communities. 

When Sara is not orchestrating her hospitality group, you can find her in the kitchen with her toddler, cuddling her dog, and planning her next international wine tasting adventure.

Welcome in, Sara!

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Deirdre Auld (Tableside): Sara, what's the most challenging thing about leading in hospitality?

Sara Abernethy: What sticks out the most for me, if you are leading in hospitality, chances are at some point in your life or your career, your own cup has been filled from either being of service to others or from making people happy. It is a wonderful gift to please others. However, when you are in a leadership position, what ends up being asked of you is to make decisions that are in service to the greater team. With that, you're not always going to be able to please everybody or make people happy. And most of the time, if not all of the time, not everybody is going to be able to understand all the context for why you make the decisions you do. And it can be hard. It can be really hard to have those difficult conversations with individual team members. 

I also think that accountability is so huge. As a leader, the number one thing you can do to be in service of the team is to be the keeper of accountability and uphold standards. And that means having some difficult one-on-one conversations all the time. It's certainly been the hardest part of the job for me because I love nothing more than making friends and making connections and making people happy. And as a leader, that has been the heaviest weight to have to practice lifting. 

Deirdre: That's such a thoughtful answer. It's so interesting to hear it framed like that, where we're in this industry of being in service to others and making others happy. And it's kind of diametrically opposed to being good at leading and being a good shepherd for the organization.

Sara: Well, you also don't get the same feedback you do from a one-on-one guest experience, right? Where you're engaging with people and hopefully  more times than not, they're sharing how great everything is. As a leader, what you hear often is only critical feedback. 

Deirdre: That’s such a great point. And so interesting to think about, even as we think through the future generations of how we could potentially focus on helping those in newer professional spaces or professional roles. To think about how they deliver messaging and the bigger picture in a slightly different way, so that maybe they're not just giving critical feedback, but giving feedback that really helps us as leaders solve problems for the restaurant or for the organization.

What are your tips for staying motivated even when you’re in the weeds?

Sara: I mean, one of the things I love about hospitality is the fast-paced nature of it. You're never bored. But unfortunately, I can say I've had a lot of practice at this one. I would say a couple of things. Over communication is never a bad idea, but particularly in moments of crisis and in moments where everybody feels super uncertain and full of fear over communication. That can be like prepping everybody with a written message prior to the shift. What you say in line up, checking in with your team throughout and then even closing the shift. That could be the same even if you're in a position where you're managing other managers.

The second thing I would say is leaving lots and lots of open space to listen and to receive. That can be very difficult, especially when all you want to do in moments of crisis is ask, “What do we do? What's the next step? How do we take action?” because that's how we feel like we're making progress. But as a leader, when your team is feeling in the weeds, when your team is feeling stressed, when your team is feeling uncertain, one of the most powerful things you can do as a leader is step back and just listen and give them a space to feel heard. I have had practice with that over and over this year—just stepping back and listening and being sort of in more of a receiving position. They might surprise you with what they say as well. It also, I believe, opens avenues for continued trust building between leadership and your employees and your team when they do feel like they're heard and seen.

Deirdre: I love the concept that I'm hearing from you that in the weeds we just want to respond quickly and make ourselves feel like we're doing something, but that can cause more challenges, maybe even keeping us in the weeds. And instead taking that approach, like you were saying, where we're pausing and we're really listening, giving some space can help get us out of the weeds a little faster.

Sara: I also would say on a personal note, because these careers in hospitality are all encompassing, and you do it because you have a passion for it, and you love it. Personally, when I've been in the weeds, and I'm feeling super, super lost, I have found it helpful to spend time with people or spend time doing things that are very grounding to me. A lot of times they are people and activities that are separate from the hospitality world. Because it just reminds me I am more than my work and there's a big world swirling around us. There's so much more going on outside of the bubble that we're in every single day. For me, that looks like time with family.

And I'm a musician, so anytime I can have a moment to get in the zone or play piano or go to a choir rehearsal, it really, really helps ground me to something that's just bigger than what we have going on in the shop. That can be helpful.

I heard Chidi Kumar say this year at Fab that there is a distinction between self-care and self-soothing. And that was powerful for me because I am the first one to get home from a long day of work and binge Perfect Match and drink a bottle of wine on the couch and chill out. And yeah, that can be winding down from the day, but that's self-soothing, not necessarily self-care. Both are ok. But I think it's so important to pay attention to the ratio of both. What are you putting into your body? Are you making time for exercise? Are you balancing out delicious morsels with some greens and some fiber and some protein? That is something to think about too, I think, when we're in tough moments. How are we practicing self-care versus self-soothing?

Deirdre: That insight is so critical and important. Taking care of ourselves in a healthy way is so important as a leader and something a lot of us often forget to do. So, Sara, if you could say one thing to someone just starting out in hospitality leadership, what would you say?

Sara: The biggest piece of advice I can share from my personal experience is you are not what you do. There is you, and you possess an inherent internal value and worth that is your birthright. And it is totally separate from what it is that you do in the world as your vocation, whether you're in a chapter of success or whether you're in a chapter of struggle, it doesn't matter. You'll be in a chapter of success and struggle forever throughout your career, but it's separate from who you are.

I am someone who has had a lot of practice attaching my personal identity to what I do through my career as a business owner, in hospitality, as a musician and a performer. It can be so seductively intertwined. And the truth is they are separate things. If you're having a day or a moment in your career where you're sucking and it's not going great, you're still an amazing, awesome, valuable human being. It's also the thing that I see in certain members of my team, and it's also made me reflect back to myself, too. The pendulum swings so violently from, “if my output isn't absolutely excellent, then I'm a piece of shit.” It's like either one, you know? And that's just not realistic or helpful to separate those two things, your output, what you do, it's not who you are.

Deirdre: Do you have any techniques or things that you like to say to yourself when you start to feel yourself swinging towards that mentality of my work is who I am, or I am my work?

Sara: Yes, and it has everything to do with self-compassion. For me, getting out of my head and into my body through exercise can really help this. Getting out of my head and into the car for a drive, like a 15- or 20-minute drive can help this. Singing can help this for me. But getting out of your head and into your body is the most effective way that I practice when I feel the self-talk going into that negative echo chamber

Deirdre: Our last question today, you have one condiment in your refrigerator, what is it?

Sara: For me, it's Dijon mustard. You know, it's inherently bitter. You can make it sweet. You can put it on a sandwich, on a salad. Honestly, sometimes I throw it in a soup when I don't know what it needs—let me just try a little of this. Yeah, Dijon mustard. I couldn't live without it. I never do.

Deirdre: Thank you so much, Sara, for joining us on Tableside Talks and sharing your insights into leading in hospitality and being so open and honest with us today.